It's Hard

Being away from home, missing family and friends, living in another culture, feeling underprepared and underqualified, handwashing your clothes, constantly being on the lookout for critters in your house, feeling pressured by your work and unproductive compared to other volunteers and your own expectations.  All of these things are hard to live with.  Really hard. 

Going into Peace Corps, I knew it was going to be difficult and a challenge to my boundaries.  I've lived abroad before, I knew before leaving for PC what to expect, was as prepared for it as I could be, but knowing that doesn't make being here easier.  What experience does provide is the knowledge that the onslaught of feelings and stresses eventually eases, its a constant ebb and flow, highs and lows.  Almost constantly emotionally draining.  Among volunteers here, being exhausted by 6pm and in bed by 8pm is pretty normal. 

We had our Re-Connect conference last month, and it was amazing, and crazy, and comfortable, almost too comfortable.  For a week all 31volunteers from GUY24 were in a nice hotel with hot showers, AC, 3 meals a day (plus snacks!), American TV, and the presence of friends, some of whom we hadn't seen since swear-in 3.5 months earlier.  It was great while it lasted, but coming back to site after was difficult.  I went from being with people, friends, constantly to spending lots of time alone (though I do spend a good portion of each day visiting with neighbors), back to my house, which never seems clean, and with none of the luxuries of hotel life.

Homesickness set in. We all go through ups and downs while we're here, and it's hard to cling to the ups while in the downs.  I was lucky the first few months and didn't have too many downs and rarely got homesick.  Adjusting back to regular life after living in a mini-America for a week sucks. I've definitely had more ups and downs recently then I did the first few months, but it's to be expected and I knew it was coming.  I miss family a lot, but I even miss the general conveniences of home and even the culture, which I can complain endlessly about but which is still normal and comforting.  I crave access to a variety of restaraunts, Trader Joes, Target, my favorite clothing stores, and basic materialistic goods that I don't have here, and in reality don't need, but that I find comfort and normalacy in.  I wouldn't trade this experience for those things, but I can't forget that they exist.

It's also summer vacation right now, which means lots of down time.  This is nice, alows for some quality relaxing and hammock time, but also just too much free time to fill.  When I applied for PC I knew from what I'd heard that I would have lots of free time and read a lot of books.  I just underestimated how much.  Once school starts up again I know I'll be busier and am hoping to start some projects outside of school, but for now I have time to be out in my community, spending time with neighbors, meeting new people, and getting to know the culture, and traveling to visit other volunteers. 

My feelings seems to be in a near constant flux, changing by the minute, hour, day, week.  But this is good.  It means when I am feeling homesick, frustrated, stressed, etc, that I know it will change, thinkgs will get better. In the end, while being here is hard, I know it will be worth it. 

I saw a quote recently that says, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  Well, I'm out of my comfort zone, so I must be living life, hopefully to its fullest. 

And I know I've been a slacker about keeping this up to date, but I promise another blog with what I've actually been doing the last 3 months will be coming soon :-)